Fiercely Seek Alchemy
Once you realize the power of transformation hidden within your suffering, you will begin to cherish it- and even seek it out.
The most powerful indicator of happiness in your life is not what happens to you, it is how you INTERPRET what happens to you.
Two people can live through the same storm; one will curse the rain, and the other will plant a garden.
The difference isn’t circumstance— it’s consciousness.
And consciousness is everything.
I once thought to myself, “If one more person calls me strong, I might implode.” Those who know the intimate details of the… varied situations I’ve found myself in are often stunned by my composure post-catastrophe. They make it known:
“I don’t know how you got through that.”
“If I were you, I would’ve told them off.”
“I would’ve gotten revenge.”
Their reactivity spills easily— the impulse to defend me tumbling from their tongues, sharp words drawn like swords from their sheaths.
I am so grateful for my protectors and I do not judge the way they choose to show love, I deeply value and appreciate their instinct to protect me.
But I have spoken to God face to face. And I know in my heart, retribution is not the way.
ESPECIALLY if your goal is triumph.
If you’d like a quick bit of cheap satisfaction, a little boost to the ego, a stroke of your pride— then go ahead. Speak your mind and indulge in the easy claw machine grab of chaos that sits right in front of you, tempting you.
But if you want to truly triumph— to grow, to expand, to elevate your soul into higher consciousness— the answer is to pause.
Take a breath. And give thanks.
You got a parking ticket? Take a breath and give thanks. You learned a lesson, or perhaps that 30 second delay actually saved your life from from an alternate timeline where you crossed the street too soon. You just don’t know. Give thanks.
Someone stole your favorite Bottega clutch? Take a breath and give thanks. You learned to not leave something you value so dearly lying about carelessly. You learned a lesson, or perhaps losing that bag caused you to go buy another one, and at that moment you incidentally met the person who would one day become your business partner. You just don’t know. Give thanks.
Take a breath, give thanks.
My dog passed recently. Luna. The sweetest soul I’ve ever known… to call her my best friend feels trite and does not capture the depth of the connection we shared. We were soulmates, without question. I’ve never known a love like ours, and I sometimes wonder if I ever will.
Luna was pure joy embodied. When she ran, she ran like light— as if her happiness had to be translated into motion or she might burst. She smiled constantly, her entire being radiating bliss.
And so, when we’d go to the dog park in her younger days, she would just run as fast as she could. Chasing balls or not, she wanted nothing more than to sprint about in happiness.
But sometimes, other dogs didn’t understand her joy. They’d see her running happily and they’d chase at her, try to bite her. And at first, she didn’t know what to do— the idea of attacking another being had simply never occurred to her.
Over the years, she spent hours and days at the dog park and she learned to defend herself. She snapped back, she’d bark louder and chase them away. She was not to be trifled with and the other dogs knew it. She kept a keen eye out for wily attackers but if they didn’t materialize, she just kept on her way, being the blissful girl she was. She never lost her joy— she just learned how to defend it. It was a pleasure and an honor as her mother to witness her grow in this way.
Raised on the mean streets of West Hollywood (not) Luna was a sunny southern California girl. And then, when I was in my mid-20’s, I put Luna in the backseat and set out for Idylwild, CA to make an indie film. Idylwild is a small mountain town with nary a recognizable national brand in sight. It was the first time Luna had ever seen snow.
The small hippie mountain town that it was, the accommodation for cast was a cozy shared cabin with open Wifi. When we weren’t filming, the cast would gather by the fire playing board games and drinking hot toddies. It was idyllic, until it wasn’t.
I’ve always believed the finished work is what matters most. The art itself. I’m not precious about credit or control— I just want the piece to be great.
But not everyone moves through life that way. For some, every interaction is a power play. Every moment, a battle to be won.
And so, on this particular film, I would come to learn that another actress was in secret competition with me for the affections of the lead actor. A lead actor who I had zero— less than zero— interest in, as I was madly in love at the time with my Italian prince film director boyfriend (cue laugh track).
But there were attempts made to harm me in “competition” for this man… a competition I never signed up for. He was a lovely person, but I simply had no interest in any dynamic other than making a great film together.
One day, when we arrived to shoot a scene where my character wakes to realize she’s been assaulted, this actress suddenly insisted her character be in the bed too— a change that had never been discussed.
I calmly told her I’d be happy to step away if she wanted to film a new version, but I wouldn’t be part of a rewritten scene that didn’t exist in the script.
If steam could actually come out of a person’s ears… this would have been that moment. I’ll never forget the way she glared at me, eyes burning with the rage of a battle only she believed we were fighting.
My male co-star and I proceeded to film the scene as scripted.
That night while I slept, I was awoken suddenly by an eerie song blaring from my laptop, still open from my day’s work—
“I do what I want. I never get caught.”
The volume was maxed and the moment boastfully marked by a successful hacking. My screen flashed an error:
“Apple iCloud: Verification failed.”
My password no longer worked. My account was hacked.
And I was due on set in 90 minutes.
If you know anything about a film set, you know that it rolls on, almost without exception. The show must go on. And as the lead, I was in almost every scene. I simply didn’t have time to investigate the hacking, but I was silently panicking as I witnessed my digital security crumble before my eyes. I called banks between scenes, I called every friend who knew how to handle a hack.
And then, the truth suddenly clicked: my co-star had bragged on day one about her background in cybersecurity.
Over the months that followed, pieces of my private life began surfacing online. Most painfully, my nudes.
“What does the B in Christa B. Allen stand for?
Can’t be Boobs, Butt, or Bush— she doesn’t have any of them.”
I don’t know what happened in that young woman’s life to turn her heart into a battlefield, but I never signed up for war. Yet there I was, standing in the crossfire.
Lessons Are Blessings, Too
And the lessons soon made themselves so crystal clear to me.
Under patriarchy, a woman’s body is not her own.
Competition for the affection and attention of men will have women ruthlessly attacking one another.
No matter how pure your intentions, you must always be ready and willing to protect yourself.
You must arm yourself with the one indestructible tool in your arsenal; your connection to God, to source, to the Creator.
The Tools of Alchemy
I could never have understood this at the time, but hacking into my account and leaking my nudes was actually a profound way for that girl to bless me.
Because of it, I was forced to confront the overexposure I’d encountered since childhood— starting my career as an actress at 7, my body and face commodified before I ever understood what that meant.
Because of that experience, I learned to alchemize vulnerability to strength.
The worst thing I could imagine happened to me, and I survived. I overcame the shame of having my body exposed to the world and saw it for what it was: a tool.
We all have tools in this life. These tools vary greatly: intellect. Passion. Beauty. Brawn. Wealth. Lineage. Talent. Timing. Geography. A powerful last name. A family business.
It’s a matter of how you use them. And any perceived setback? Alchemize it. Turn suffering into triumph.
When you realize that this is actually the source of your internal strength, you will begin to actually desire this alchemy. You will LEAN INTO the pain, anticipating the blessings that follow.
Every challenging circumstance you encounter, is really just you vs. you. Will you get emotional and react? Or will you take a breath, calmly accept the circumstance, and learn to love your growth?
When life challenges you, will you show up for yourself or abandon yourself?
And when you remember who you really are, it is impossible to be the victim of any circumstance, because you recognize that you have the infinite power of the Creator on your side.
The tattoo I got on my right forearm in 2022; “amor fati”— Latin for “love of one’s fate.”
Stay tuned for my next post: “God, Complex: The Unmasking of a Modern Guru” on Friday, October 24.
I’ll share the details of the tumultuous last 11 months of my life— the collapse, the rebirth, and, most importantly, how consciousness turned it all around.